Subject: Official Grievance

Okay so last May we ran as the Fruit of the Loom guys. I was the purple grape cluster, my best friend Leon was the green grape cluster, my brother Stan was the apple and of course our idiot step-brother Phil was the fig leaf.

Now, all we were trying to do was get out for an afternoon of good, clean fun. But such was not the case. We are hereby filing an official grievance against the Hanes Her Way girls. You know, it's all fun and games to taunt grown men dressed as fruit, and I'm sure it's really tempting to try to pop our grapes and fling peanut butter at an apple, but all you naked girls who attacked the fig leaf were way out of line. We couldn't get that idiotic smile off of idiot Phil's face for over nine days. He was practically in a walking coma. He couldn't even put a sentence together. He just kept mumbling “okay, yes…okay, yes” over and over again.

This is unacceptable. The Hanes Her Way girls should be banned from next year's competition. We anxiously await the regulatory committee's response.

- Hank, Purple Grape Cluster
Team Dirty Underwear



Subject: Response to Grievance

Dear Mr. Hank, Purple Grape Cluster, Team Dirty Underwear

Unfortunately, the Run Amuck competition has no regulatory committee. Please write to your congressman.

Thank you.

- No one in particular

Subject: King of Carson

You know, there's an old Latin proverb that says: there is often wisdom under a dirty cloak.
Well my friends, there's a lot more than wisdom under this guy's dirty cloak. After placing 23rd in this summer's Run Amuck competition, I'm convinced I'm truly invincible. That's right – Swanky Frankie runs alone. Not only did I overtake a few superheroes in the mud pit (nice tights, guys), I put the moves on a couple runaway brides and scared a team of 12-year-old girls into forfeiting.

So now, when I'm cruising the scene in Carson, I'm like the hottest ticket in town … the ladies can't get enough of me. Is it any wonder? I'm 5'7, 220 lbs., kinda look like Val Kilmer, only not so much. Yeah. Those Carson chicks dig it.

So I'll see Batman and Robin and Spidey and you crazy Wonder Twins next year….I'll be the guy in the leopard print speedo. And we'll see who's laughing now.

- Swanky Frankie, King of Carson>